


Delusion Boy

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 03:11:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14150658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ‘In order to live today, I must kill my true self.'





	Delusion Boy

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is not a song fic, though it was based heavily around the lyrics of Delusion Girl by touyu. If you watch the PV, the character looks almost, if not, exactly like Levi, so it inspired me to write this. It barely has ay sort of relationship or any sort of pairing really, but I included Ereri in the tags either way.

When I awoke this morning, it was raining. The patter of the water on the window sounded so poetic, it made me want to vomit. As I ruffled my hair into place, I noticed the dark bags around my eyes, like deep purple caverns that wouldn’t leave, no matter how much sleep I had. I was indifferent. I didn’t care about my face, nor the people who would see it. I didn’t try to impress anybody. 

 

My medication was scattered around the sink’s edges, staring at me menacingly, though I didn’t dare take any. The pills would always find their way back up my throat either way, my body refusing to take them entirely. Or maybe that was just the way my mind told me that I was okay. That I didn’t need them. As I pulled my suit jacket onto my frame and knotted my tie neatly, I didn’t care about the creases and wrinkles, though if I’d shown up for work in any different attire, chances are I would be fired on the spot. I could show up in a dirty shirt and jeans and still feel exactly the same as I would without.

 

The scowl on my face was prominent, as I neared the train station that day, far too early in the morning to even comprehend which train I was supposed to board. As people rushed by, I remembered to smile, plastering false joy across my face, trying my very best to release the tension that had built up in my face. My frown wanted so desperately to shine through, though I forced it behind me, teeth clinking together in an idiotic grin.

 

‘In order to live today, I must kill my true self.’

 

The words resonated in my head, like a mantra, louder than a siren, making the rest of the busy platform seem oh so quiet. They were the words I had lived by for many years. The words that had helped me hide the intimidating scowl upon my face and drive away those idiotic thoughts that would grace my mind on a regular basis. 

 

How much sleep had I had? I couldn’t even remember. I could feel my eyes heavy and tired before they slipped closed, though I just managed to open them again in time to catch a glimpse of the clock to my right, hanging quietly against the wall. The 8AM train would be arriving soon, and I wasn’t one for being late. After pushing myself up from my leaning position against the wall, I had to blink twice, my eyes widening in shock.

 

A boy. Brown hair, green eyes, falling behind the badly painted warning line that had been applied to the concrete floor. My heart fell. His expression painted with fear, each and every inch of his body frozen, arms reaching in front of him. Without even a second thought, I was by his side, desperately pulling at his hands, squeezing my eyes shut at just the mere hope of catching him. 

 

I fell backwards, praying with all the consciousness I could manage that the boy’s hands would still be in my own after I had opened my eyes. I could feel his weight atop of me. I sighed heavily, my eyes watering as I enveloped him in my arms, dozens of people gathered around us. I wasn’t ready to watch such an innocent boy die, though everybody else had seemed all but prepared as I looked up at them, their phones gathered around in a large circle.

 

“The 8AM train will be delayed by five minutes,” 

 

The mechanical voice of the train platform announcer snapped me back into reality. I was still leaning against the wall, my head dazed and foggy, body ready to spill to contents of my stomach even though there wasn’t any to spill. I opened my eyes, a cold shiver dancing across my body.

 

To think of myself as a hero. To sacrifice my own life for somebody else’s. What a pitiful daydream. Such an unrealistic thought. I had been nothing but selfish my entire life, and yet, something was urging me to act this way. I couldn’t even look after the stray cat by my house before it was hit, believing I could be something of a hero was a disgrace.

 

I had nearly cried when I had found it, laying across the concrete road in such a despairing way, though I could never remember being sad. I guess that was just the start of my downfall. From then on out I had acted like nothing but a misery. I could no longer tell the difference between a corpse, and what had become of me. My friends, my family, my lover, the stray cat.. I turned my eyes away from each and every one of them in favour of my own wellbeing. I assured myself that this is merely how the world works, but I will forever be the one to blame.

 

In that moment, that was when I realised I had given up.

 

A chilling yell for help echoed throughout the large station platform. My daydream had become reality. A boy. Brown hair, green eyes, falling behind the badly painted warning line that had been applied to the concrete floor. He was far more beautiful than what I had conjured him to be in my head. I saw my chance. Without even a second thought, I was by his side, desperately pulling at his hands, smiling at just the mere hope of release.

 

I fell forwards, praying with all the consciousness I could manage that I would finally be free from the perpetuate bullshit that the world had thrown at me. My heart was banging against my chest with force, begging me to wake up from this nightmare. In my last moment, I saw the boy land on his front, his body safe from whatever harm were to come. I wasn’t ready to watch such an innocent boy die. As he lifted his head, I saw him smile brightly, thankful that he was alive, ready to grace whoever had saved his life, though such a sweet and thankful smile was gone in seconds, he watched in fear as tears welled in my eyes. I felt the pressure of the train as it crushed me.

 

If I could be selfless, just this once, it would be enough. To save the life of a beautiful boy.


End file.
